Chapter 19
Kathryn hardly believed her ears when Ren told her. But in the next second she caught herself and it seemed almost painfully obvious. Chance had told her Xian was rumored to have been a Viper before. The very fire opal that had been stolen from her mother was on display in the Navinorian royal palace, where Xian had also resided.
Plus, Kathryn had an excellent memory. She recalled the body type and dark eyes of the Viper who had confronted her and Ren all those years ago while holding the opal in his hand, and she whitened as she realized that it was all true.
Hatred filled her whole body and she said, “You knew that, and you didn’t kill him?” The words escaped her before she could stop herself, and the look of pain and regret in his face deepened.
“I’m sorry, Kat!” he burst out. “I was going to; I meant to! And then as I was hitting him, it was like something outside of me just stopped me. I don’t understand it myself.”
Thoughts tumbled through her brain like a mine caving in. Xian murdered her mother in cold blood. Kathryn could still see the decapitated body. She could still see the fire opal, glowing away in his hand when he raised his sword to kill Ren.
“Kat, I’m sorry,” Ren repeated miserably.
Kathryn shook herself out of the memories with an effort. Ren had just almost died for her. She had no right to demand anything further from him. At the same time, she was angry, resentful, and confused. She held in all those feelings and patted his arm. “It’s all right,” she said. “We’ll talk later.” She turned to go, and he caught her arm.
“Kat, wait-”
One of the healers came into the room, looking annoyed for some reason. “Excuse me,” he interrupted. “General Xian requests your presence, Champion.”
“What?” Ren frowned. “What do you mean?”
“He has been calling for you since he regained consciousness.”
Ren hesitated. In truth, he was sick of fighting. It had been an extremely emotional few days between his battle with Valen and finding out who Xian really was, and he was too exhausted to even consider finishing the job he’d begun in the arena. But as he looked at Kathryn’s stiff frame and how she refused to look at him, he felt like he should.
Kathryn said, “I’ll see him.”
“But he didn’t ask to see you, Miss,” the healer began to protest.
“You may call me Lady Prada,” Kathryn said coldly. “The Champion needs to rest. I will see Xian.”
“Fine,” the man grumbled.
Ren began, “Wait, Kat. I’ll go with you-”
“No.” Kathryn didn’t turn to him as she spoke, and his heart sank. “Stay here. They may have healed the worst wound, but you’re still hurt and need to rest.”
“Kat…”
“Stay here.” She’d never used that tone with him before, and he knew better than to argue. He watched her go, wishing he could stop her.
Just outside, Brenin and Chance waited for Kathryn to emerge. “How is he?” Brenin demanded, catching her arm as she started past him, following the healer.
She turned to him. “He’s fine,” she said, her voice seeming unnaturally loud in her own ears. “You should go in and speak to him.”
Brenin hastened inside, too preoccupied to notice how pale she looked. Chance did notice, however. “What happened?” he asked gently.
“Nothing. Chance, I need you to do something for me. Don’t let Ren leave, no matter what happens or what you hear.”
“What?” Chance looked bewildered, but as he looked into her icy green eyes, he seemed to feel it was in his best interests to nod. “All right. But you owe me an explanation later, got it?”
Kathryn ignored him. Her steps kicked up dust as she approached the medical tent where the few who had survived losing their bouts were housed. But she froze at the door as she heard a voice from within rising in an almost animalistic wail.
The wail ended in a groan and then Xian’s voice shouted, “I must see Ren Patrick! Bring Ren Patrick to me!”
Kathryn took a deep breath. Xian was no longer the terrifying figure she had faced as a child. He had already been defeated. There was nothing to be scared of.
She entered the tent. While there were several beds with wounded fighters, she couldn’t see any of them except one. Xian lay on a rough woolen blanket on the floor, shouting and raving for Ren Patrick. He was clearly feverish, and his eyes were glassy. Most notably, his left arm was gone. Only a bandaged stump remained. The sight made her ill, and for a moment, she considered turning away.
Yet something stopped her. Somehow, she felt obligated to witness his downfall. It was what he deserved, even if now he looked so pathetic that she found herself almost feeling sorry for the murderer. She stepped closer to him and looked down on him in silence. After a moment, he seemed to realize she was there and stopped shouting. He stared at her. “Where is Ren Patrick?” he whispered.
“He’s not coming,” Kathryn said frostily.
“He must come. He must kill me! I will not live like this. It is not honorable. He must finish the fight honorably!”
“You’re a madman, Xian. What do you know of honor?” Kathryn’s voice trembled, and the heat rose in her face. “How dare you demand an honorable end?”
He frowned, rubbing at his bleary, swollen eyes with his remaining hand as he tried to squint through the blurriness to see her face. “You. You’re the former Princess Kathryn,” he said. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see the man who murdered my mother,” she said quietly.
Xian squirmed under her gaze and turned his head aside. “I am not that man anymore,” he mumbled.
“That is true. You’re not even a man.”
“You don’t understand. I know you are angry. But I have changed. I redeemed myself.”
Kathryn could hardly believe what she was hearing. “You don’t get to decide that!” she flared. “You killed my mother! How can you say you’ve redeemed yourself? Don’t make me laugh. You didn’t do anything to redeem yourself. How many women and children did you save to make up for your sins? You served a tyrant and followed his every whim instead. When he asked you to kill, you killed.”
“I only killed in honorable combat.”
“So you put knives in the fronts of your victims instead of their backs. But you still served a monster without hesitation. Xian, you make me sick. I wonder how many children you orphaned. I wonder how many mothers and fathers you left childless. Have they all forgiven you? Because until they have, you have no right to say you’ve redeemed yourself.”
“Please. I know you are angry. So kill me! Or let Ren Patrick kill me. Just let me die. I do not want to live this way; I cannot!” Xian rasped, reaching to grasp the edge of her skirt pleadingly.
Kathryn quickly stepped back out of reach. “I will not,” she said quietly. “You don’t deserve a quick release like that.”
“No! I am begging you. I cannot live like this!”
Kathryn glared at him. “Xian, you are human garbage. It’s not because you lost your arm. It is because you are so arrogant you really think you’ve saved yourself because you’re not as bad as you were, when everyone you have hurt just has to keep going without the people you took from them. As far as I am concerned, you have not redeemed yourself. You cannot. The best you can do is beg for forgiveness and seek to somehow repay the people whose lives you’ve destroyed.”
She turned to go, but looked over her shoulder with a dark, contemptuous expression on her face. “I can’t speak for your other victims, Xian. But I can tell you, as far as I’m concerned, you will NEVER be able to pay for what you’ve done. And I will NEVER forgive you.”
He dragged himself across the floor towards her, howling, “Kill me! Let me die!”
Kathryn ignored him and walked out with her head held up high as his screams rang in her ears.
Outside, she fell to her knees and began to sob. Passersby glanced at her, but she ignored them and wept bitterly as all of the emotions she had been burying came to the surface. She had been so afraid for Ren. Then she had been angry with him for not killing Xian. Then all her rage had been aimed at Xian. And now, she was simply overwhelmed and heartbroken. Everything was such a mess. Even now that she was a lady, she was powerless to change the things that hurt her the most. She still didn’t have a country. She still didn’t have her family. She still didn’t have her mother. And she never would again.
Brenin was very quiet after Ren had told him the whole story about Xian. After a long pause, he said, “I heard Xian lost his arm. It’s not as though you left him unscathed, Ren. He’s paying for what he did.”
“I don’t even know why I left him alive,” Ren mumbled.
“You’re not a killer at heart. You may have killed people in your life, but it’s been few and far between and always a last resort. You’re a protector, and what you care about is life.”
“I don’t know if Kathryn will forgive me.” Ren looked up with a tortured expression in his eyes. “Do you think she killed him?”
“Maybe. But would it be so bad if she did? Maybe it’s what she needs to do to move on,” Brenin suggested.
Ren shook her head. “It’s not her job. I should be the one protecting her. She shouldn’t have to do this on her own. If she killed him, it was only because I failed.”
“You’re wrong. Kathryn isn’t like you, boy. There are times when your ability to forgive bewilders me, but she’s got a capacity for grudges you haven’t even seen yet,” Brenin told him grimly. “If she killed him, it was because she couldn’t get past what happened to her mother back then. It has nothing to do with you.”
Ren said nothing. He looked sad and defeated, and Brenin’s heart went out to him. The grizzled old man put a hand on his shoulder and said gently, “Ren, do you hate Dorian?”
Ren was confused by the question. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Do you?”
“I…no. I don’t hate him.” Ren looked down at his big, scarred hands. “Dorian and I never saw eye-to-eye, but I don’t think he’s evil. I think he just…had his own ideas of what was important, I guess.”
“Ask Kathryn sometime if she hates Illian.” Brenin squeezed Ren’s shoulder. “You may not be able to hate your brother, my boy, but she is not like you. The thing I’ve always had the hardest time with about you and Kathryn is the fear that you would get so caught up in her goals and her hate that you would do things you regretted terribly. If you’d killed Xian on that field with your bare hands while he was helpless and unconscious, you never would have gotten past it. Because that’s not you. But if Kathryn does it, she will get past it. It may even bring her some peace. There are some things that you just can’t do for her. There are some things only she can do.”
Ren was silent. At last he said, “I can’t believe that she’s capable of that.”
“Because you couldn’t love her if she was?” Brenin said quietly.
Ren flinched and turned his head so his mentor couldn’t see his face.
Thankfully, before he had to reply, he saw Kathryn’s shadow on the floor and turned quickly to look at her.
When he did, he had to catch his breath.
Kathryn had obviously been crying, and her eyes and nose were red and blotchy. But the setting sun was right behind her and cast a golden light over her dark hair and simple white robe. Her frame was thin, almost frail from all of the strain she had been under during these past months. Yet she looked as beautiful as he had ever seen her, and her expression was gentle and loving as she looked at him.
“It’s all right, Ren,” she said softly.
Ren started and stood up quickly, wincing as his sore muscles protested. He started to say, “Is Xian-”
“I didn’t kill him. I think you were right. Xian doesn’t deserve to die. He deserves to live with what he’s done.”
“…Then you’re not angry with me?” Ren asked, bewildered.
She smiled and shook her head. She walked over to the bed and put her hand against his cheek as Brenin looked on with a slight frown. “Ren, you’ve given me everything. How could I be angry with you?”
Kathryn put her arms around him, and he buried his face against her, clinging to her like a drowning man. Brenin withdrew quietly.
Outside, Chance stood against the wall of an outhouse with his arms folded and a slight smirk on his face. “I take it they’re already at the ‘kiss and make up’ stage,” he said lightly.
“So it would seem,” Brenin muttered. He was annoyed, but he could hardly have explained why, even to himself.
“Come now. Why so grim? Lady Kathryn has everything she’s been wanting, and Ren now has the prestige of being a full-fledged Champion of Tephraya. Is the problem just that they won’t need you anymore?” Chance was surprisingly shrewd sometimes.
Brenin grimaced. “I don’t think she’s good for him,” he said flatly.
“Well, I understand why you might feel the need to be protective. After all, Ren is as helpless as a baby when it comes to looking after himself. One only has to look at how many times he’s come to grievous bodily harm from doing something stupid to see that. Still, have you ever thought perhaps Lady Kathryn is worth a bit of your protectiveness as well?”
Brenin scoffed. “Why on earth would I think that? The girl can handle herself, and she seems to be quite adept at getting others to do her bidding.”
Chance shrugged slightly. “Perhaps. But she doesn’t have a father. And I know she feels the lack keenly.”
“Does she now?” Brenin glared at him. “See here, boy. No one asked you to interfere in my private affairs, but since you did, I’ll tell you something. Ren is the only family I’ve got, and I don’t intend to go about adopting any other strays.”
“All right, all right.” Chance held his hands up defensively. “All the same, I think you’d be surprised how well you two would get along if you stopped shutting yourself off. You might even decide she wasn’t your enemy and try to understand her a little.”
Brenin hesitated. Then he harrumphed and walked away. Why would he ever try to understand that girl? As far as he was concerned, she was only an annoying obstacle preventing Ren from living his life as he should be.
On the other hand, who was Brenin to say how the boy should be living his life?
The old man’s step faltered slightly at the thought. Maybe the annoying little spy was right. Maybe he did have a habit of shutting himself off, and maybe it wasn’t the best tendency. And maybe the problem he had with Kathryn wasn’t so much that she was hurting Ren as the fact that he’d hurt Ren in the past and didn’t want to ever see his son in pain again. That was hardly a realistic desire. The boy was a soldier, which meant there would be more wounds and heartaches to come.
But did they have to come in the form of that girl? Brenin knew from experience how painful the loss of love could be, and he dreaded the day that Ren saw all of Kathryn. Ren couldn’t understand that she had been groomed from childhood to have a very particular kind of view towards those lesser than herself, including Ren. She would never think herself equal to him; not really. She might show him affection, but she would never give herself to him in the way he wanted, which meant all that was left for Ren was a terrible disappointment.
Still, Brenin couldn’t tell Ren that. Ren wasn’t going to believe him until he saw it for himself. The best Brenin could do was stand by his side until that happened.
Chance left Brenin to contemplate on his own. After all, who was he to give anyone advice? You’re only supposed to be here to spy on them, he reminded himself sternly.
As a friend of the Champion and the new Lady Kathryn, Chance and Ren had been allotted a room in the premier inn of Tephrayana, pending the time that Kathryn would take up residence on her new land. Ren was staying in the medical tents overnight, but Chance had no reason to stay, so he headed for the inn.
Hardly had he reached it when he stopped short, turning quite red as he saw a familiar figure standing near the doorway. Her back was turned towards him, but even from this angle, as the setting sun poured down on her dark hair making it shimmer like gold, she was beautiful. Astonishingly so, in fact.
Chance shook his head to clear it and managed to keep his voice steady as he said, “Have you come to see how your pets are faring, Lady Zafiyah?”
She turned, and her amethyst eyes were reproachful even as her full lips upturned in a smile. “I heard Ren Patrick won his bout,” she said warmly. “Congratulations.”
“I’ll pass it on.”
“I did not mean to congratulate Patrick, but yourself.” She stepped forward, looking up at him. He had to steel himself to keep from taking a step back. The perfume she wore was what was making him lose his senses, he thought. It had to be.
“Myself, Lady Nour? I remain a lowly dog,” he said with a bitter smile. “Nothing has changed, I’m afraid.”
“You are allied with one of the King’s champions. That alone is enough to give you a status worthy of envy.”
“Is it enough to satisfy your mother?” Chance countered.
Zafiyah flinched and lowered her eyes. “I am sorry for what she said. But you must understand, Chance Frey. It is not my desire to hurt you or to insult you. My mother…she is a very hard woman. It is not as easy as you think to stand up to her.”
“And there is no reason to stand up to her for a mere peasant anyway, is there?” he said dryly. “You do not need to explain yourself, my lady. I believe everything has been made quite clear to me.” He turned to go into the inn.
The hand on his arm stopped him. Zafiyah looked different all of a sudden. Vulnerable. Earnest. “You are not a mere peasant to me,” she said quietly.
Chance flinched. No, don’t look at me like that. Please stop. You don’t know what you’re doing.
“What are you doing?” he said aloud, echoing his thoughts.
“I have never met anyone like you.”
“Lady Zafiyah…”
“You are honest to a fault. You are playful; you like me, but you will not cower before me. You are a brave man who has come this far with his friends-”
“My lady, this is too much.” Chance gently pushed her hand away. “I am not the person you think I am. I am not honest or brave, and I am not their friend. I am with them because of circumstances beyond my control. That is all.”
He tried to leave again, but her bitter tone stopped him. “You are rejecting me,” she said.
“Please don’t, Lady Zafiyah. I think you know that you are being unreasonable. What could my rejection matter to someone like yourself?” He kept his voice light.
“You still judge me. You think me a foolish, shallow woman who is too much of a weakling to oppose my mother. But you have no idea how I have tried, or the price I have paid for doing so in the past. You are in no position to judge me!”
Chance reddened. Before he could stop himself, the words burst out, “You do not know me at all, Lady Zafiyah, or you would know that of all people, I am in a position to judge.”
She frowned as he caught himself. He let out a sigh and glanced up at the rising moon. “My lady, you may remember I mentioned that I have known what it is like to fear a parent. My father was a vicious, cruel, abusive man. He beat me. When my mother died, he sold my sister to pay our debts and nearly killed me when I tried to save her. So I do know the price a child may pay for opposing a parent.”
Zafiyah stood still, considering his words. At last she said, “What did you do after that?”
“It doesn’t matter. It was a long time ago.” Chance rubbed his forehead wearily. For some reason, he felt overwhelmingly tired at the moment. Perhaps it was all the effort of resisting the perfume. “In a way, you’re right. It’s true that I can’t know exactly what you have been through. It’s obvious you are too afraid of her to resist her will, so there’s no reason to discuss any of this further.”
He tried once more to go inside, but she caught his hand. “Chance Frey,” she said.
He saw the look in her gorgeous eyes and had to avert his own. “Yes, my lady?”
“Look at me and tell me that you have no interest in me. Tell me that you don’t want to see me again.”
“Lady Zafiyah, this is pointless.”
“Tell me.”
“I have nothing to say.”
“You’re a coward,” she said firmly, planting herself between him and the door. “You’re afraid to love me. You’re afraid you’ll fall for me too hard!”
You have no idea.
Chance bit his lip and didn’t reply. She took both of his hands in hers and looked up at his face eagerly. “We are not serious people. So what is the harm in loving each other just a little bit?”
What is the harm? Chance found himself searching for an answer. At last he said, “I told you. You know nothing about me.”
“Then tell me.”
“I can’t.
“That’s fine, then. I don’t need to know.” The loneliness and pain Chance had kept under the surface for years was bubbling to the surface against his will, making her words sound sweet. Making her look even more beautiful.
At last he said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He squeezed her hands briefly before letting her go and heading into the building while she stood there with a radiant smile on her face. He could feel that smile all the way up to his room.
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